Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.