Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

Very good news from my accountant

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.