Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”