“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Salad is the decaf of food.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!