Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?
Me: Put their name on my kill list.
Therapist: Please don’t do that.
Me: I’ll try to stop.
*Writes Therapists name on kill list*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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Why did I laugh so hard tho ? 😂😂
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Her: I’m going to the gym
Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone
my boss: didn’t i fire you last week
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.