@LeonEarlgrey

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

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@thevaginadiary

Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?

Me: Put their name on my kill list.

Therapist: Please don’t do that.

Me: I’ll try to stop.

*Writes Therapists name on kill list*

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

@chrislockefun

DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

@aka_fatman

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

@ddsmidt

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

@notviking

if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@nayele18maybe

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.