“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices