Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”