Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You Might Also Like
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The French cow says MEUX…
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks