Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Me: Okay.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
