Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
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“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]