Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.