‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?