‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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gentlemen, hear me out
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
wtf management?!
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I don’t think my car can fly
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.