Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Don’t take drugs… for granted.