Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Challenge accepted.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.