Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

S M O L

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.