“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You Might Also Like
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Every house has this drawer
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*