*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
🤔😂😂
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch