*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.