@fillthevacuum

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

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@UncleDuke1969

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

@DaniiGallegos_

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

@stephenszczerba

I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@kittykaresless

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

@TheToddWilliams

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

@hiren_aajra

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You