Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

“I wouldn’t.”

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Yes, but it was never about money

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?