Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?