Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Taking phone security to the next level.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning