*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?