Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Trying

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.