Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy