*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Happy thanksgiving!
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed