*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Knock Knock
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.