Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

Incredible customer service.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

they should invent a rest for the wicked

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

Think I pulled my liver

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.