Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Lmao 😁
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet