Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…