Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
this is what they would have looked like, though
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.