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[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.