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30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.