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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back