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I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
who will stop them
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
From Facebook just now…
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.