Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Lol
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?