Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Scream sneezers need love too.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Become ungovernable.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote