Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
