Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
WTF IS THAT!
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
How did we not see this back then?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now