Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

I’m not proud