STEM major: what are you learning in school

Kindergartener: shapes and colors

STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that

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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.


Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.


I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping

So if we ran into other bears, he’d be like “It’s cool, man, he’s with me.”


Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.


*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao


Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]



All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.


I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…


Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.


I worked as a programmer for autocorrect but the fried me for no raisin #PunYourJob