Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.