Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

concern

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.