My nickname at work is “HR wants to see you”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
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me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Me: *narrows eyes*
Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane
A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…
A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.
Do I set myself on fire?
When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist