@GrabTheWEness

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

@Scottcrates

Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane

A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…

A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.

Do I set myself on fire?

@juliussharpe

When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.

@The_Sculptress

I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.

@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

@rzarosco

“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist