@GrabTheWEness

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

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@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@jergarl

I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.

@outsmartedmommy

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

@jeremiahtolbert

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

@cool_pond

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

@ClichedOut

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

@RobDa64

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings