Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
#Caturday
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’