Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.