Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa