Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

when there are deer in the woods

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.