@holypurgatory

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

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@jergarl

The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573…. Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.

@benicus_rex

If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.

@QwertyJones3

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

@CastAwayKristen

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

@mompsychologist

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

@TheBoydP

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

@PavelASamsonov

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

@Just__J0

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!