Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
notice
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
How it started How it’s going
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
much to think about
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.