Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Every
Single
Year

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

i could never be president. im overqualified.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.