Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Pass gas, not judgment.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

I thought this was funny lol

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?