I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How’s your night?
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!