her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.