Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Boom, boom, ching!

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

This is me 🤣🤣

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink