STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.