STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?