STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.![]()
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Great game to play with friends
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.![]()
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.