Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

I pray every night that I never become religious…

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Hamburger Hinderer.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy