Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: