Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.