Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love