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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.


Favorite cannibal movies:
3) Cannibal Holocaust
2) Cannibal Ferox
1) She’s Having a Baby


tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff


I’m a mother and even I don’t understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.


13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.


[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death


[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”