Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.