Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.![]()
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I would like even faster food.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!