Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
You Might Also Like
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
