Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend