Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

very niche meme I made

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

#ProTip

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

Wolves should really raise more people.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.