Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Cardio Made Easy
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.