Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*