Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

I bet

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️