Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time