Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Milk Cube
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Yoga Matt
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
